Well alright, welcome to the airport, yes I have my boarding pass, no I have no gels or liquids, yes I have my ID, 2 bags to check. Not only that, I would like you to know that I am already prepared to make sure my seat back is fully in the upright position for take off and landing. This is important because we all know that when a jet plummets into the earth at 600 miles an hour, having that seat 2 inches farther into the most uncomfortable upright position will clearly be the key to survival. In fact, I am surprised that the tens and tens of post plane crash survivors don't get together each year and celebrate how lucky they were to have their seat so far forward as their airplane splattered into a fireball of jet fuel.
Since inadvertently leaving a cell phone, GameBoy or iPod powered up is capable of screwing with the airplane's ability to avoid falling out of the sky, I am fully comforted now by the precautionary 'seat forward' and 'no toothpaste' measures taken. As many have told me to have a safe flight over the years, I come fully prepared to do my part by occupying my seat at the proper angle.
As long as someone, somewhere is having a good laugh at the 100,000 or so humans a day immersed in the ludicrous belief that somehow these funny little games truly matter, I am all good with playing along.
I can honestly say that the plane flight sucked, but not for me. When the initial announcement that there are three bathrooms on the plane but one was not operational, I am thinking, no biggie. Then when they said that he broken bathroom was in the main cabin and FAA rules state that 'main cabin humans' can not venture into the front of the plane where the other working bathroom is, I began to think that it may turn into an issue. The second announcement that screeched through was; "I am sorry to say that we will be experiencing turbulence for a good portion of the flight and the seat belt sign will be on shortly, so take that into account if you need to use the restroom." Then the line to the restroom grew and grew till it was half way up the plane at which point the plane began bouncing all over the place and we were graced with announcement number three "I apologize but we are hitting the rough air earlier than expected. Please take your seat immediately." Nothing like a plane full of urine loaded passengers bouncing around in rough air to spread the joy.
Fortunately, in an flash of preemptive brilliance I had previously remembered not to forget and I had used powers within my grasp to arrange a front cabin seat several weeks ago. So the misery of the flight only effected me only in the form of compassion for the down trodden. Further fortunate-ness occurred in the form of my fellow roadies all being on other flights and missing the aerial leg crossed roller coaster.
Upon arriving at the hotel, 10:45 pm, I proceed to stand at the front desk looking like an idiot, feeling perplexingly anxious and wanting my room as I watch Mr. Annoying and Miss Snailpace effortlessly ignore me for a full 12 minutes. Finally snapping, and grindingly ask for my room key which he whisks out in a single motion from the little alphabet box. Off to my room and starving. Mind blurring dizzy hungry as I listen to ring after ring after ring of the unanswered room service phone. Oh look! It is 10:58 and quick call to the "Service Promise Help Desk" confirms the expected. I am sorry sir, room service just closed at 11PM. But, but .... Ah forget it, is there anywhere to eat? Valerie was a sweetheart and actually spent 20 minutes seeking out an open place that delivers. Many thank you's and click.
Pizza is like dog food for roadies and the pizza box it just a glorified doggy dish. And whom amongst us does not at sometime envy a dog's life? If I had a tail I wonder if it would be wagging right now.
The promising to bring a bit happiness and cheer in some form or another tomorrow,
Welcome to Jersey Dave! It's a great place to live! We have high taxes, alot of people, lots of traffic, etc.
PS If you ever are in Philly hit me up. Be glad to buy your beer.